Retrospective (Midyear 2023 – Midyear 2025)

Thesis #

Ooh, this is a weird one.

I didn’t know what exactly goes on in writing up a thesis. I knew I wanted to get into research, and I enjoyed my time doing experiments during senior high school. So naturally, I had some ideas for what I wanted to do, including some accessible one inspired by previous research by my seniors. I was hoping to spend less on money, time, and effort in this project.

Boy, I was wrong.

Without exposing too much details, I want to go through the sequence of unlucky mishaps that happened:

1. The groupings were draw lots, with high performing students picking two or three random students to form a group.
2. Process of choosing a thesis adviser was not clear to us, so we got stuck with the last one.
3. Said adviser rejected all our topics and presented us with their own. In hindsight, this was peculiar, as the research lecturer at the time informed us that it was not their specialty.
4. The statement of the problem was expanded so big, we didn’t even know at the time that it was for one, too costly, two, too time-consuming, and three, too tiring. (Spoiler: we barely finished it.)
5. Of the six groups we had, three of us had the same topics, with small variations such as the samples being different. Same product though!
6. This project is particularly complicated and tedious. Other advisers with this topic had this split into two parts, where the first part is worked on by our seniors, and second in my current batch. However, our adviser made us do the whole process in one year. You can see how that will burn us out.
7. Due to its tediousness, we had to go to university to do our thesis from 8am to 10pm, Monday to Sunday. No breaks! We need to graduate now!
8. Since our university does not have all the instruments we need, we had to go travel to different places so we can conduct tests. Brutal if you aren’t familiar with the places.
9. After the final defense, I had to revise the entire paper since my groupmates was busy doing remedial exams. Sad. I also had to do the bookbinding and other miscellaneous things needed to graduate.
10. While all of these are happening, there’s a weird undercurrent of social drama.

To expound on the last point, I had a groupmate that was apparently problematic since the second semester of third year college. Without disclosing too much details, apparently they:

• Were boasting about our “unique” and “interesting” topic, despite the fact all three groups who have the same topics are within vicinity.
• Generally has a boastful attitude; with their previous upbringing of being from a relatively upper middle class family, certain statements they make can seem out-of-touch.
• I am not particular privy to details from their dormitory situation, but apparently they’re much of a vibe killer that almost all of their dorm-mates stopped talking to them. I only knew this because they cried at our laboratory, and my other groupmate told me the situation at the apartment they were living in.
• There are some accusatory stuff I’ve heard of against them that involves me and the other groupmate, but I personally don’t want to go deeper into that. It’s hearsay, but it is very sad if it is true. Our relationship is already strained, and after graduation, I already blocked them on Facebook.

This thesis was a weird clusterfuck, including the advisor situation that I haven’t mentioned yet. However, I really just want to rant and ramble over here just to get it off my chest. It’s been long, and I’m not planning to step foot into that university again in the near future.

I appreciate the experience I gained during that, mind you. I just don’t want to get burned out again. In the case that I would go get a Master’s in the future, here are some wishlist I would want:

Have around three topics that is fleshed out with introduction, statement of the problem, and methodology. I’m planning to do a monthly chemistry series on the current new papers that I find interesting. I still don’t know how to format it yet. I’d probably summarize the introduction, methodology, and conclusion, and my thoughts on them.

Build a knowledge database. I am starting a new Obsidian vault this year with a modified Zettelkasten system. I remember reading this article on falling into the traps of prioritizing note-taking systems as the goal instead of using it as a tool. So I would like to not be overly focused on any one note-taking technique, and instead be flexible with my methods. Currently, I’m using Obsidian to author blog posts, including this one!

For the methodology, include instruments and reagents. Also include possible side-effects of such reagents, intermediates, and what precautions needed for me to undertake. Research which institutions has these instruments, and where to buy such reagents.

Lastly, build a community of like-minded people. I would like to revitalize my political energy back when I was young. And, I would like to connect with people who are very much interested in not just working in science and technology but also innovating and contributing to the greater cause: science for the people. What’s the point of science and technology if the common people cannot benefit from it? The internet and phone devices are so ubiquitous, it has irreversibly transformed our culture and paradigm of life. My personal ambition is to contribute to society with the knowledge base I’ve built and expanded upon, and how I impart that to world. Too ambitious? I don’t know. Too vague? Probably. I currently have a lot of interests right now, but I hope it will coalesce into something tangible by the time I decide to do my Master’s.

Anyways. Lot of detours here.

My experience with my thesis kinda left a bad taste in my mouth, but I don’t want to let that deter me. I just need to make smart decisions, academically and socially.

I hope.

Organization #

I probably shouldn’t have joined two organizations at once.

To expand, on my fourth year of college, I planned to join the Pre-Medical Students Society (PMEDSS). However, due to the relatively tiny population of my program/course, the mother organization, Chemical Society (ChemSoc), required nominations if not enough people volunteered to run. I was nominated as Vice President for External Affairs by my friend (bless her), and I thought it was gonna be chill, since barely any external stuff happens in our small little community, and I just handled the executive committees.

Then both the President and the Vice President for Internal Affairs resigned.

Whoops!

Juggling with PMEDSS as part of the steering committee, being the “promoted” President, my thesis and its associated problems, and my personal familial problems, it was hard. So, so hard. I was disappointed in myself, and I disappointed a lot of other people. I was just so, so tired. I’m sorry.

I definitely wasn’t ready to be the president. I did the best I could. I hope it didn’t fuck over a lot of things back then.

I just want to move on.

Review Center #

After the elections for the next school year was over, along with the thesis requirements and a bunch of other stuff, I needed to find a dormitory for my next step: studying at a review center.

To become a licensed chemist in the Philippines, I needed to pass the chemist licensure examination (CLE) with an average score of 70% in all five subjects, with no subject scoring below 50%. Given that the examination is in October, and I just finished university proper at the end of May, I have five months dedicated into studying endlessly for the exam. Admittedly, I wanted top the boards, as it is the only chance I really get to excel in anything to be quite honest. Always silver or bronze, never gold. It’s probably some internal pathological mindset with me never getting anything first place. So I wanted be on the board for once and be impressive.

Studying and test-taking at the review center made me realize that I don’t know a lot of things. In organic chemistry, I strive to study even topics that wasn’t really brought up during college, just because I wanted to. Same with other chemistry subjects to a lesser extent. What I figured out is that there’s a lot of things that wasn’t taught, and so I have to learn a lot of new things that wasn’t emphasized back then. I had to peruse books I didn’t know of, and made several notes out of them. I even tried to solve some sample questions in the book. It feels very hard to start all over again, especially when you only have five four three two mo— uh oh. My practice tests, refresher exams, mock exams, mind you, still passes, but I don’t think I would’ve gotten top ten with these scores. I was disheartened.

In between studying and rotting my brain out, I went out. To give context: among all my classmates who decided to study at the Laguna branch, I decided to instead study in Manila. Alone. Solo. There are reasons, such as me planning to take the board exam in Manila, so I didn’t want to go through the hassle of finding a temporary dormitory for a two–three day exam. But what I’m more interested in is discovering myself as a person, void of any external people living in closest vicinity. As someone who lives with an extended family (who doesn’t even have his own solo room), it feels refreshing and new. What would I do alone? What do I want to do alone?

I went to Philippine Space Week at Gateway 2 Mall. It was the first time I used LRT2. It was the first time I explored the mall alone. It was a lot of many firsts. I cried alone. I danced alone. I was happily alone. It was much needed peace from the exhaustion I had have interacting with everyone. I never really had any moment of being alone for long periods of time. Peace was something I never knew I needed until I started living on my own.

I had to go back to Batangas to attend my graduation. It was a stormy week; there was a typhoon, with the aftermath of flooding in the place where I stay and review at. I had to go on slippers and tread through floodwaters just to get to Buendia and ride the bus home. It was so… melancholic. I felt numb. It was potentially one of the last few times I’ll see my classmates again, and yet I didn’t feel much of them. No regrets, no sorrow. Just goodbye to an era. A farewell to an alma mater I’ve called my second home for ten years. Was it bittersweet? I had fond memories, and not so fond memories. Do I want to forget? I don’t know. Probably? I still have a thin thread I’m holding on too, with a much smaller friend group, pruned and pared from the journey of bouncing around people. It’s sad to have both farewells in senior high school and college to end that way.

Anyways, I digress. I want to pivot back to the review center. As the only one from my university who went to Manila, I was, predictably, pretty alone. I did not have the opportunity to make friends there; most of them have their own friend groups before the review even started. Awkward. The majority of my review there did not lead to new friends. But I guess the lecturers somehow knew about me.

Ma’am Michelle, one of the lecturers and the CEO of the review center is very friendly, I like her. She even knew that I was the only one from Batangas State University who went to Manila, and apparently knew my potential based on the test scores, especially in the mock exams. I was 13th overall? I was beating myself up because when the top ten was announced for mock boards, I wasn’t even on it. No one from the Manila section got on the rankings. I was losing hope on being a topnotcher. So imagine my surprise.

The end of the mock exams somewhat gave me hope and one last push to study harder, especially topics that wasn’t really stressed during college days.

Board Examination #

Between the last day of attending the review center and the actual board examination, I had one week of free time. Sure, I studied, but not as much. I rarely answered questions; I browsed books in pdfs less and less. My mother and I went to the board exam venue for CLE, and the next day, we visited Real de Monasterio de Santa Clara at Katipunan Avenue. We bought eggs to offer. I wrote my prayer; it’s been a long time since I prayed, especially since my father died. My sexuality, in relation to everyone else, seems like a great tension waiting to burst.

In that week, we found out that we switched from paper-based examination to computer-based. My anxiety spiked. How would that work? Our mock exams was done via pencil and paper. I was fortunate enough that the review center gave us an opportunity via Google Forms, even if it wasn’t perfect.

I planned to take both the Chemist and Chemical Technician Licensure Examination (CTLE). Why not? I wanted to try topping both exams. The CLE is a two day examination consisting of five subjects, while the CTLE is a one day exam consisting of two subjects. Of course, they’re conducted at different venues. We used the equivalent of Uber to get to these places.

The computer-based examination was honestly not that bad. My main problem is that I can’t handle staring at a screen from 8am to 5pm straight for two days. We weren’t really allowed to stand up unless you want to pee. You are required to bring your food next to your table, and you can’t really leave your station. PRC (Professional Regulation Commission) is strict.

It was tiring. Exhausting. Imagine sitting for like, ten hours straight, and you had to be at the venue from 4:30am to avoid potential traffic. You are in the “penthouse” with no walls except the glass walls where you see the skyways. Buildings and skyscrapers tower over the urban landscape. Sometimes you’ll see a plane in the distance. Strained eyes, five subjects, each with one hundred questions.

After that draining two-day examination, I had to still be ready for another day of a set of examination, this time for the CTLE. It’s a much simpler and easier collection of topics compared to CLE, but nevertheless, there are some problems that come with it. First, it was held in a completely different venue; I took the exam at a cinema way down south, farther than where I was residing in.

The venue was cold. I was sleepy. I barely can keep myself awake to answer the questions. It’s sad that I wasn’t really gonna top that examination, as I knew that after we finished it. They gave us four hours, but like 90% of the examinees left halfway after submitting their answer sheets. Will I pass? Most definitely. Will I succeed in being among the ranks? No.

That week was empty. Anxiety hollows out the small room my mother and I are staying in. We started packing our bags, getting ready to move out of the dorm by the end of October. We went back at around Sunday or Monday if I remember correctly (the exams were conducted on Monday–Wednesday), and I prepared for the job fair my review center has set up for the next. We still didn’t know the results. Generally, I expected the results to be released after 6pm. Last board exam, it was released around 8pm. Our section waited and waited. I was probably just watching YouTube videos because I don’t want to consume myself with anxiety. I only started to religiously check for the results at around 9pm, because it is jarring that they haven’t posted it for that long.

Alas, 10:48pm on a Monday, October 21, 2024. One of my professors posted a link to a Rappler article announcing the results. I clicked on the link. I scrolled. I screamed. I haven’t even got to the list of students who passed. Right there on the top ten list, I got ninth.

I got ninth.

With an average score of 90.00 from five subjects.

I can’t really believe it. I was so down from my performance on the mock exams during my days at the review center. I was questioning if I would get in at all. Well barely. I think my average from the mock exams was like around 83-85, so for that to jump to 90 is kinda insane to me.

It was surreal.

And the next day was the job fair.

I can’t sleep. Not until like 3:30am.

Intermission #

Before we get into job hunting, I want to take a little intermission. There was this job fair where I gave my resumé to every company (and I’ve only heard back from one). After that, it was a lull that happened before I get back into moving to the next chapter.

There was this thanksgiving party where I have to give a speech for being a topnotcher of board exam, held by the new set of officers that year. It was nice. There’s still some tensions, but everyone knows we’re letting go. After that, I went to Manila one last time for that year to move the rest of our things back home.

Everything was so bittersweet.

I got my driver’s lessons, both theoretical and practical. I haven’t got my non-professional license yet. From those lessons, I learned that I am particularly very anxious on the road. I may not have made the mistake of pressing too hard on the gas or brakes, but I am scared of not knowing what to do in the moment. Too many things to check, and I don’t trust other drivers to do their part.

That was during November.

On December, it was time for the oathtaking ceremony. An induction into being a full-fledged chemist. It was a confusing experience at first, with the signing up logistics. But when you get in the theater, you’ll see two long tables at the front. Who is that for? Oh, it’s for topnotchers. They’re facing the audience. That’s somewhat awkward.

It was a typical event like most I’ve attended since college about taking an oath as an officer of an organization. There’s a portion of the rank 1 in both CLE and CTLE giving a speech. There’s a decorated chemist taking up the stage to recount her experiences. Some other miscellaneous things, etc., etc. After the event that lasted for two hours, I caught up with my friends, now with “RCh” at the end of their names. My closest friend in college offered us a ride home, well, near home. We talked about our classmates, what our plans would be, and other stuff.

It was so, so bittersweet.

They dropped us at SM Lipa to find a bus home. It’s the second to the last time I saw my friend in what I assume to be a very long time. The last time I saw her when I attended her thanksgiving party.

I had my birthday party at home, together celebrating my achievement (also the first time that there’s a special occasion involving lots of people just for my birthday). I invited a lot of people, including my friends and professors, but only two came. Yeah, I was a bit disappointed. The pizza was very much enjoyable, though. Love the spinach cheese flavor!

My high school friend who went abroad to Norway came back to visit the country for a little bit. My friends and I caught up on the drama between our fellow classmates from high school, and talked about the future. We had so different paths to take; it made me realize the path I would take will be mine and mine alone. I can’t really ask for help from my friends, they have their own paths to take and perspectives they will gain.

Alas, in this path I’ve taken, it’s time to hunt for a job. I hope I get a good job.

Job Hunting #

Going back to the career fair: I gave my resumé to everyone, did my interviews, and only one reached out. It was a cement manufacturing company, which my mother advised against from applying because of health concerns based on experiences from relatives who worked there.

After a month or two and doing my driver’s license, I applied for a job at DOST PNRI^{† †} Department of Science and Technology, Philippine Nuclear Research Institute . I was and am still very interested with the concept of working with advancing the nuclear capabilities of the Philippines despite some of my reservations concerning the geology of the country. Is putting a nuclear reactor at the Pacific Ring of Fire a good idea? I am not sure yet.

Sadly, I got rejected. After my birthday, I also applied to a lot, lot more companies. It’s exhausting. Nobody was informing me anything if I was rejected or not. I applied to like forty jobs, only two reached out within two weeks and got a face-to-face interview.

I guess one thing to learn here is that nobody was really looking for an aspiring R&D chemist as a fresh graduate? Most only care for quality assurance or quality control. And alas, being a topnotcher isn’t enough to get the job you want. Sadly, I had to settle for a QC analyst job.

Getting Hired #

I got hired at a pharmaceutical company very recently. It has been going nice, despite the fact that my salary is low and my rent is high. I learned a lot in less than a month, although I feel like I’m hitting the ceiling very soon. Even if the plant manager told me that I would learn the job fully only after a year (six months if I’m lucky and a “fast learner”), I would say that the tasks themselves aren’t particularly complicated, just tedious.

Unfortunately, I am not currently using my license yet to its full potential. I’m hazarding a guess that by the first or second year of this job, I would get a dry seal and use it to certify these analyses being conducted. HR told me that would increase my salary somewhat. That’s being optimistic. Shame, I was planning to exit after some time soon to gain more experience elsewhere.

I just need a research-based job, even if it is contract-based. I was hoping to get my name out there with some papers, in preparation for the Master’s in the near future, plus a PhD on the horizon.

I was thinking of doing something pharmaceutical-related for my dissertation, so I was looking into studying some current trends on medicine/pharmacology research. With my experience from my thesis on nanomaterials, I was hoping to get into the niche of nanomedicine. However, I’m also torn on my interest in physical chemistry, especially in its intersection with organic chemistry and biochemistry. I want to marry nanomedicine with physical chemistry in some way that could introduce a new subfield. That’s certainly ambitious.

I should do a blog post on my research interests.

Anyways, I’ll have to get through this. Hoping my career will grow fast and good. Just one more day.

Solo Living #

I had experience living alone during the review center, but this is the first time I’m gonna be living alone alone. My job is located far, far away from my home, even farther than the place where I studied for my review center. It’s a three hour bus ride between multiple provinces. I had to learn adulting stuff, like doing laundry, cooking for myself, cleaning my room and bathroom, etc.

I know it may not seem much, but I’ve been coddled for a long time as an only child, and it is freeing and kinda scary. I have to learn how to budget on my own. I have to manage my time doing household chores and doing what I want, like writing blog posts. I have to tighten my belt because my salary is so low and my rent is so high, so I can’t really do anything I want that’s too expensive.

I am looking into freelancing as a part-time but I don’t know what niche I would take. Should I go into data analytics? I know some Python and R, and kinda some SQL. But I’ve seen that there’s people who makes dashboards for companies, which is woah, I didn’t even know that was a thing. There’s also the idea of copywriting, but it has been so long since I’ve done copywriting in elementary. How do I relearn these skills and market myself?

Programming was one of my interests since growing up, but I don’t really have any good portfolio to show off because my ideas are one off or whatever. I should get into analyzing some Philippine datasets and packaging that as a web app. Or just invest in copywriting skills. Or maybe do ghostwriting. However, I still want something related to my degree as a niche. If you’re reading this and have some thoughts about freelancing, maybe give me some thoughts here!

Once I find my bearings here, I might explore this part of Manila. I haven’t been to Quezon City extensively. Maybe I’ll explore SM Fairview. Maybe I’ll attend the pride march here. Maybe I’ll socialize outside home and work. I’ll have to settle in first, and find my footing. It’s a new chapter, and I’ll have to decide how to write it myself.

I should try joining an organization. Maybe Agham. Maybe I should get into D&D. Maybe I should volunteer in a local library or something.

Writing a Blog Post about Rust #

With all of that, I want to talk about something very different. I wrote a blog post recently!

It’s all about my opinions on the documentation of various crates, and how they perform according to the criteria I just made up on the spot. I started this post because I was sharing this idea to the Rust Programming Language Community Server (RPLCS) on Discord, and I had an idea of just, you know, write it. And so I set up a new Obsidian vault and go write. Two birds with one stone. I also wanted to set up my personal knowledge management system.

When I published this post, the reception was generally good. I didn’t read the HackerNews post someone shared though. It wasn’t an overflowing success, but I still like how people appreciated my thoughts.

It was also the first time where I bought my own domain, because previously I was using Vercel’s default domain name stuff. Now that I am a working adult, I decided to buy a domain for myself that I was eyeing before. Now, look at that, a professional website domain! Well, I would like my own domain with my name, but that’s for another time when I get more money.

After this blog post, I was itching to write some more, especially related to Rust, but I don’t have any good ideas yet. If you are curious, here are some I’m workshopping:

1. A Rust Testing Ecosystem Review. This seems more involved compared to my previous blog post, where I plan to check how different crates test their crates. I would have to git clone each crate, and grok their internals. I… will probably have to workshop on that more.
2. Greppability. I don’t want to expand more on this, but I intend this to be a bait-and-switch, where I make a commentary about the world. But first, I need to experience the world more. It’s vaguely connected to the documentation review blog post, and Rust’s unsafe keyword.
3. Parse, don’t validate, and Type-Driven Development in Rust. It’s gonna be a recontextualization of this blog post about type-driven design in Haskell. I intend to discuss how to use type-driven design with common and niche design patterns in Rust, such as: newtypes, typed builders, typed boolean algebra, type-level arithmetic, type-erasure dyn-compatibility tricks ala Bevy/Axum, complex type nesting iterator-style, and so, so much more.
4. I like static typing. I don’t even have an outline for this, so I kinda don’t remember. I guess it was meant to be a rant about people complaining that the Rust compiler is too strict? I distinctly remember thinking “Why would I have to solve problems later when the compiler can solve the problems for me now?”
5. The Rust Roadmap. This is meant to be an expansion of my current roadmap that I created for RPLCS for me to link when beginners ask about what they should do next. Currently, this roadmap is just a bulleted list of links without any explanations at all, categorized into arbitrary divisions. I intend to discuss these more, and add some projects tutorials/guides in the mix.

I’d like to have some more ideas, but I would also like to mix in some other interests, like retrospectives and chemistry stuff. Currently I’m doing this as a hobby, so I have limited time, but so many ideas I could work on. If you like, maybe talk to me about what fun blog ideas I should do next?

Conclusion #

The past two years was a rollercoaster to be quite honest. It’s mostly a matter of social and personal problems and less about my skill issues. A time period full of regrets and achievements. It’s nice. It’s bittersweet.

It’s an end to a chapter. And an opening to a new one.

It’s a discovery of the self. It’s a turbulent period of transitioning to a functioning, working adult. It’s newfound freedom to do whatever I want, living away from family for the second time in my life.

I want to rediscover myself over and over again. I want to meet new friends, make time for some new hobbies. I want to try freelancing, and I want to upskill. I want to put my programming skills to good use. I want to exercise and improve my body more. I want to try singing, do some serious music production, and learn audio engineering. I want to learn how to budget and grow my money. I want to learn how to be frugal, and manage my time and space.

It’s a new day, a new month, a new life, and a new way to live.

Intending to close previous chapters (but not all!), I plan to look forward and welcome the future. Time to work for what I want, and work for myself.

What’s Next? #

With that said, I want to enumerate some things I’ll be doing in the near future:

1. Have a monthly blog post on recent chemistry papers. I am currently researching stuff for June, so stay tuned at the end of month!
2. Revive my dead open-source projects. To be quite honest, I got burned out by university and the fast-paced updates of Bevy. Maybe it’s time to revisit them? Probably not this month, though. I’ll need to settle in this new job first before job.
3. Join Agham. I’d like to join a political organization that helps with the cause I advocate for. However, with my limited schedule, I don’t know if I can handle it. Maybe I can be behind the scenes.
4. Join more webrings. I like the idea of them. I love discovering new blogs, and I once used StumbleUpon for this. Discovering new blogs and reading their articles is a fun past time I do once in a while.
5. Think up of a new Rust-related article. There’s some interesting stuff in Rust, especially its type system and its upcoming features in nightly. Maybe I should dive into releases.rs and pick out some features I find fascinating.

Do you have any suggestions on what should I do next? Maybe comment in this Reddit thread!

If you have read up to this point, I want to say thank you. Hope you have a nice day! Bye—